You might be wondering what this title means, Turning Suffering Into Beauty – Spiral Elixir Deer Painting Video. The short version of the story is that for the past 4 weeks I have been suffering. I have not been on Instagram to explain, but I had a subtle hint of what was coming the day after Christmas. We went to San Diego for the Holidays, as usual. The kids played with some of their cousins on the first day. We found out later that night that one of their cousins had the flu. Both of my children had it the next day… (If you want to skip my story and go straight to the video, here is the link.)
My son started showing symptoms on Christmas day and it escalated quickly. My daughter was a little more stable than my son, but they both had the flu. It was the scariest flu I’ve ever been around. San Diego got hit hard and a dozen people died from it when we were there. We experienced it firsthand in our own way, and it was terrible- (but thankfully the kids are better now). What made it worse was that my son runs extremely high fevers. I have some PTSD from when my son had two febrile seizures in the past. Both kids ended up going to Urgent Care on day 7 with high fevers. It was the first time I’ve ever had to take them. My husband and I were so scared for our kids.
Some Things Have to Run Their Course
We kept finding so much to be grateful for while still feeling the fear and suffering with them. We were blessed to be in a safe home, with clean water, food, warmth, and good medicine. Some things just have to run their course. I started to feel intuitively that we were over the worst of it, but I also knew we had all been exposed and were vulnerable to getting it as well. I had done everything I could think of to keep healthy but I was severely stressed and sleep deprived. We extended our trip an extra day to let the kids rest a little more. We borrowed my brother-in-law’s trailer to bring home the last of our things that were left behind when we moved in 2014.
The Drive Home
It was tiring to pack it all up on the last day after all the emotions and sleepless nights. But we headed home and had a good trip. We stopped to let the dogs out for a few minutes in the Central Valley. Alex had manifested the camper shell right before we left to go to SD as you can see my truck looks different now. The virus took over me during the last hour of the trip. The full moon was beaming down on my body through the window. It seems like mamas can withstand so much to care for their babies and then right when there is a little relief, finally fall. I went to bed shivering and had fevers all night. I was miserable. It scared me that my kids were still having fevers on day 9 too.
That night I got sick was New Years Eve. We made it home safe. I felt subtle relief and caved in energetically. I dreamed of a female deer coming to me in the front yard and kneeling down to hug me. We embraced for a while and I felt comforted. When I woke up I was alone. Alex had gone to work. I wanted to take care of the kids but felt so sick. I assumed I had the flu. He ended up taking the whole week off and came home early. I stayed quarantined in the upstairs bedroom for 9 days. Alex did everything. He cared for me and the kids, and did all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. He amazes me. I’m so blessed.
Going to the ER
I finally had to go to the ER because I was gasping for air and had fevers for 7 days and my cough was getting really bad. Turns out I had Viral Bronchitis and a lot of wheezing. They gave me an inhaler and said, “good luck”. I kept a mask on the whole time I was sick, and lost a lot of weight. I had a lot of time to think about my life. Starting the New Year off sick af after watching my innocent children suffer like that was rough.
I learned a lot about myself through all of this. I feel renewed. Similar to the feelings I went through during the fires. I wrote about that here, Satori Through Fear – Spiritual Fire Transformation – Ego Death. The fire experience set the ball rolling, but I had more integration to do. More lessons to work through. There were more fires in LA and then mudslides that broke my heart open again. I had a little deer stuffed animal friend with me up in the room. I got better slowly each day. The first day I felt like I could be alone and let Alex go back to work was January 8. Each night I’d go to bed right after he got home. I was still so exhausted and having coughing attacks all night. I barely slept. He got dispatched to Santa Barbara on January 12 to help with the mudslides. I had to step it up.
I had so much fear still to work through. Having my husband go into a dangerous situation made me disappointed. We really needed him. I’ve cried a lot of tears in the last 4 weeks. Released a lot of pain. Prayed for many people. My husband comes home tomorrow. I’m so glad he’s ok and so strong. It’s been 2 nights since I started sleeping through the night without coughing attacks. I feel a drastic shift in my energy levels now and wanted to share this story for those who have wondered where I disappeared to.
I created something beautiful during my struggles. I started painting the deer that came to me in my dream. It also came in real life several times to the same spot I saw it. It had never came this close to the house until I got sick. When I was at the Pharmacy getting my inhaler I found this double print of an old photograph sticking out of the trash can and brought it home. I know I write about deer a lot. They’re always around me. I have them tattooed on my leg, and work with deerskin every day. But, it was still extremely comforting to have these reminders of the deer medicine so close to my heart, showing up.
Turning Suffering Into Beauty – Spiral Elixir Deer Painting Video
Over the past week I turned the energy of suffering I was feeling, into this beautiful video to share with everyone. It’s my way of expressing a mixture of what I was feeling and what I still feel transformed into art. I know it is sort of vague but part of what I learned is that I do better leaving some of the details out. People will see what they see and be what they are. I don’t expect you to understand. I do hope you enjoy it though. Thanks for reading! Here is the video. I still plan to share about the clay ring dishes we made before our trip, so check back soon. Much love!
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